


Can't you see that you're lost without me?

by jvngfs



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Adultery, Alternate Universe - 1960s, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 22:18:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7658962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jvngfs/pseuds/jvngfs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>USA, 1964. Sunggyu and Woohyun are both married but madly in love with each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't you see that you're lost without me?

USA, 1964.

Sunggyu stands proudly on his two feet, fists on his hips and sweat damping the back of his white t-shirt, in front of their new washing machine. It took him around one hour and three reading of the user manual but he's fully satisfied of the result. His wife is smiling too as they watch in awe the clothes turn around inside and listens to the deafening sound it's making. "I can't wait to show the others," she tells him excitedly, twinkles in her eyes. "I should invite them over tomorrow," she adds and Sunggyu is about to plant a kiss on her temple when they hear the door swings open in the living room.

"Mom, Dad, I'm home," Minjae shouts loudly, one second before he's thumping his way up the stairs to his room. 

"Minjae, come down here a minute," he hastens to yell back.

He vaguely hears Minjae sighing loudly from upstairs, the loud thumping down the stairs and finally his son enters the kitchen. "What is it?" he asks, slightly annoyed and then eyes widening as he spots the new machine. Sunggyu feels a peak of pride rush through him. "Did you get it today?"

"Yeah, I just got paid and you know how much Mom wanted one," he replies, ruffling his hair. "Right?" he turns to his wife who nods vigorously. He too finds it pretty amazing. 

"Can I get a transistor radio for my birthday, then?" Minjae looks at him with an hopeful gaze, his hair, mandatory styled in a short hair cut for school putting emphasize on his eyes and making him look really cute. Sunggyu could almost fall for it.

He clears his throat instead. "We'll see if you do good enough in school," he sets for and Minjae can't hide his disappointed face but smiles again once his eyes fall on the new washing machine. 

-

Two days later, Sunggyu is smoking inside his car, parked two streets away from his house, right between the Kim's and the Jung's houses, all lights off and looking around to check no one's is coming. It's already dark outside, so dark he feels safe knowing no one can see him and Sunggyu is pretty sure Yoobin is currently setting up the table, a small smile on her face after she spent the day being congratulated by the other housewives of the block about the gift she got from her husband. She's probably waiting for him, she probably cooked something delicious; most likely his favorite to show her gratefulness. 

Sunggyu already made up his excuse for being late; "there was unexpected work at the office, you know how it is, right honey?". The chances of being caught are really slim, it has been going on for years without a problem but still, as Sunggyu waits, his fingers tremble around his cigarette bud and he has trouble breathing as if he has been punched in the guts.

He almost jumps when the passenger door open and Woohyun gets in. He looks tired and he has a stain on his blue shirt, probably from what he ate for lunch. He has this sloppy side that gets Sunggyu both thrilled and worried most of the time.

"You're late," he says as a greeting, stating a fact rather than scolding him, as he throws his bud out of the window to roll it up. 

"I know, I'm sorry," Woohyun apologizes, his hand reaching to rest on Sunggyu's nape to soothe him. The calluses feel rough against his skin but he likes the burn. He always liked it. "I'll make up for it," he adds, teasing.

Woohyun always kisses him hard, with passion and teeth, fisting his shirt as if he wants to tear it off. And maybe that's what he wants. Sunggyu thinks it's because they're always hurried each time they meet, scared that if they take too long someone will spot them, adrenaline rushing into them to aware them that they're doing something forbidden. But they got used to do it that way, to have the anticipation building for days - sometimes weeks - until they settle on a date to meet, hands clammy and hearts racing.

"I missed you so much," Woohyun whispers against his hair, breath heavy and whimpers stuck in his throat as they already have hands buried in each other pants.

"We've seen each other two days ago," he corrects even though he knows what Woohyun really means. "For dinner at Mr. Jung's." 

It's different when they're alone and don't have to call each other with formalities and don't have to pretend they are only here because of their wives and friends. Sunggyu can't help but think about it as Woohyun licks down his neck and as his hand fastens around his cock. He knows he shouldn't but it probably haunts Woohyun too, even if he doesn't show it. He tries to avoid thinking about Woohyun's kids at time like that. But that's hard too. Woohyun's head buried in his shoulder and the way he's throbbing in his hand helps him a bit. 

Woohyun comes with a choked moan and Sunggyu with a sharp intake of breath. Like they always do. Sunggyu cleans them up with his handkerchief that he will wash later tonight as he showers. Then he will tell Yoobin he had a runny nose today, that's why. 

Woohyun's breath is getting back to normal already as he straightens his clothes, flattening his hair on his head so it won't look uncombed. "Are you coming this week-end for lunch?" he inquires as he lights a cigarette. Woohyun likes to smoke afterwards. 

Sunggyu sighs. He looks off the distance and notices that the moon is already high up in the sky but oddly its light seems weaker than ever. "I guess so," he doesn't know about this week-end's plan but he's sure Yoobin will update him tonight. "Yoobin will want to go for sure." He would too. Just to see Woohyun, to stare at him when he laughs at some stupid joke and to see his eyes light up as he will explain for the umpteenth time to Minjae that becoming a real-estate agent is a good choice. But then his heart will skip a bit as Woohyun's hand will run down Mina's hair to rest on her shoulder and as he will watch his kids play around with eyes full of love. But that, Sunggyu has gotten used to it. Or so he says.

"Good," Woohyun seems satisfied. "It will be fun," he adds as if to convince himself. "Maybe we'll be able to sneak out for a while and make out for a bit," he lets out a small laugh, probably aware of how ridiculous it sounds but Sunggyu doesn't point it out. In fact, he laughs too and say - voice low and quiet - "I'd like that."

They don't talk after that, Woohyun finishing up his cigarette in silence and then greeting him with a "I'll see you around" as he leaves the car. Sunggyu waits for good five minutes, until he's sure Woohyun is almost home before starting up his car and driving to park it on his own driveway.

A few seconds are necessary to gather his thoughts and to plaster a smile on his face as he passes the door and he's met with the vivid colors and lighting of their living room.

"You're finally there!" Yoobin rushes to help him take his coat off and he kisses her on the forehead. "You must be really tired," she pities him, "I've made dinner. Are you hungry?"

Of course he's hungry.

-

The towels are freshly and neatly organized on the bathroom's shelf, just like Sunggyu likes it. The mirror is clean and the sink is as bright as new, meaning Yoobin probably cleaned them thoroughly right before he woke up. In this aspect, Yoobin is the perfect wife. She was a cute and diligent girl in High School and she became a responsible and caring wife. Sunggyu knows that she tries to make everything easier for him, making sure he's never having a hard time, that dinner is ready when he goes home from work, that Minjae did his homework everyday. Because he knows all that, he never tried to push back the guilt that settled inside him ever since they got together. The guilt has become a good friend, a traveling companion, a huge hole in his heart that he can't be reduced by buying a thousand washing machines. 

"Are you almost done?" Yoobin's soft voice from behind the door pulls him off the maze of thoughts he was lost in. That happens a lot, in the past and nowadays too, Sunggyu getting day-dreamy for so long it seems as if he wants to forget about reality. "Breakfast is ready," she informs him.

"I'll be there in a second," Sunggyu replies, sounding just as cheerful and normal as ever, at least he hopes so.

 

Yoobin is pretty, hair crowned by light coming from the morning sun peeking through the kitchen window, her colorful dress hugging her waist just fine. She has always been beautiful, she used to be really popular in High School and all his friends congratulated him when they got married. She's perfect, Sunggyu is convinced. That's why it's so hard. Because she's so perfect and oh so naive. 

"Go get the milk, Minjae," Sunggyu orders as he vaguely hears the delivery guy outside. He hopes it will take away the lump forming in his throat. Minjae obeys, rushing toward the door as Yoobin finishes to set up the table. He has thirty minutes left before he will leave for work. He doesn't want to leave late today, mostly because he doesn't want to bump into Woohyun, leaving to work too. He usually likes it, seeing him for a few seconds, exchanging greeting before a long day of hard work will start. Not today. That's usually this way after they met. Sunggyu needs a few days to gather his thoughts and be himself again. 

He tries his best to chit-chat with Yoobin during breakfast, to listen to Minjae complaining about his classes but no words seem to really get to him today. If they notice, they don't point it out. They probably don't, as Yoobin is used to it by now - Sunggyu being weird and moody - and Minjae is too young to be able to distinguish any of his Dad's swings of mood.

 

Woohyun is just getting in his car when Sunggyu comes out of the house. He doesn't see him and Sunggyu holds his breath as he walks to his, sitting on the seats they were on yesterday night and were kissing like no one could see them and nothing else mattered. He waits until Woohyun left to start his car, not daring to glance toward him, eyes focused on the dashboard instead. 

It's starting to get suffocating. Sunggyu can't stand this situation anymore. Or maybe he does, because he knows they can't have anything better and Minjae needs him. But Sunggyu is selfish, really selfish when it comes to Woohyun. He wishes he could have him all to himself. But Sunggyu also wishes he could understand Woohyun better, wishes he could force himself to imagine what it is like walking in his shoes for a while, wishes they could swap skins and get to know what's going on in each other's heads.

-

Woohyun got Mina a record player a few weeks ago. He makes them listen to the last record he bought, some sad song about breaking up and the cracked voice of the singer lingers in Sunggyu's ears for a long time after the music stopped. Yoobin says she loves it, asks where they got the record. Mina answers something, voice getting high up as it always does when she's exhilarated about telling something. 

"Sunggyu?" Sunggyu's head jerks upward. From the look on Woohyun's face, it's not the first time he's calling him. His brows are furrowed and he looks preoccupied.

"Yes, sorry. I wasn't listening," Sunggyu squeaks out, trying to smile as wide as he can. 

Woohyun shakes his head and scratches the back of it like he wants to make some thoughts flying up his mind go away. "It's okay. I was asking if you mind helping me cook the ribs," Woohyun's voice is soft and so familiar, it has Sunggyu's heart speeding up.

"Yes, sure, let's go." Sunggyu stands up to follow Woohyun to the backyard, glancing toward their wives and children remaining in the living room, laughs and chattering following him until he steps in the garden.

"What's with you?" Woohyun asks, smiling so brightly he could be asking "how is work going?". He doesn't look at Sunggyu though, focusing on organizing the meat on the grill, being careful not to mess up his white shirt. The smell gets Sunggyu hungry, his stomach rumbling loudly.

"What do you mean?" Sunggyu counters, grinning just as widely, fearing their wives might be watching. They don't want to have to explain why they're fighting. 

He sees Woohyun biting the inside of his cheeks beside him, grip tightening on the fork he's holding. "I don't know... You just seem out of it lately." He sounds genuinely concerned. "I'm just getting worried." He pauses. "Yoobin might get too." Meaning: You don't want her to get worried and to start asking, do you?

He turns over the bleeding pieces of meat so they will cook on both sides. Sunggyu watches, inhaling the thick smoke of the barbecue that burns his insides and feeling his nape getting hot under the midday sun. He thinks of a thousand things to say, to put his feelings onto words, to find the right thing to tell that will get Woohyun to react how he wants him to but in the end, he utters, voice uneven; "It's nothing, really. I'm just tired from work and all that." Woohyun's face softens, wrinkles on his forehead disappearing to be replace by unblemished skin.

"That's good then," he concludes and then proceed to chat about the ribs cooking, about this annoying customer he had at work and about nothing that really matters. Sunggyu usually likes this moments when he can listen to Woohyun's voice quietly and he gets to know even the smallest details of his life, what pisses him off, what makes him smile. Like this, he can pretend to be close to him. They're close, best friends even - like people generally call them - but there's always seem to be a gap between them, an invisible wall they have to maintain in public. It's not like that when it's only the two of them and Woohyun appears bare body and mind in front of him. But this, he can't admit it, he can't even think it too loud in fear someone would hear. So he just resigns himself to watch Woohyun from afar, but even that feels like sinning. 

 

"Is the meat ready?" Mina passes her head through the window and asks in a cheerful voice.

"Yeah, almost," Woohyun confirms after checking it.

It's weird in a way, seeing them all seated at the same table, sharing the same food, like a family, like good friends. Sunggyu avoids looking in Woohyun's direction, instead he stares at Yoobin who is wearing a short dress, way shorter than anything she has wore before. She let her hair fall on her shoulders today. He tries to convince himself that he should look only at her from now on but then his eyes drift away to Woohyun and his breath gets caught in his throat, gaze stopping on his soft hair to follow the line of his neck down to his broad shoulders. He's laughing at something Minjae said, his crooked tooth appearing and his crescent eyes looking dark as if he's wearing make up. Sunggyu wonders if it's love, the way he can't stop looking, the way he desires him so much he could die then and there. It feels as if Woohyun took his freedom away and locked him up. But deep inside, Sunggyu knows that it's not true, that his feelings didn't fully submit him, that in a way he chose it, he accepted it and embraced it. And even now as he's looking at him, it's not only instinct that fire the desire inside him, it's the fact that he chose to give himself to Woohyun. And so did Woohyun and that reciprocity is beautiful in its own way. 

Sunggyu swallows hard, trying to keep his composure but he notices Woohyun's eyes lingering on him a bit too long as if he's wondering what he's thinking. Sunggyu wouldn't be able to tell him even if he asked. 

-

Sunggyu hates the way Howon engulfs food in his mouth like he hasn't eaten in years, like he can't control himself. Sunggyu never eats with such gluttony even when he's hungry. Howon is his colleague and friend and also the most hardworking and happy person Sunggyu has ever met. He's successful in almost everything he does and barely has anything to complain about. It's a rare thing among insurance agents where most people spend their times cursing at uncooperative customers. Sunggyu doesn't like the job much but it pays well - enough to buy a new washing machine.

As of now, they're eating lunch and Howon is telling him a funny story that's mostly obscene but Sunggyu laughs anyway. 

"Who do you think is going to be the salesman of the year?" Howon stopped laughing a while ago but Sunggyu hasn't really been paying attention. However, Howon's serious voice forces him to snap out of it. Yoobin would like it if he was to be salesman of the year but he's aware of how harsh the concurrence is. 

"I don't know...," he takes a sip of whiskey, "Maybe you will." He smiles and Howon smiles back.

"No way, you should get it this year." Sunggyu hates the flattery but he doesn't show it, instead he shakes his head in embarrassment. "A perfect husband like you should make his wife proud, give her something to brag about to her friends." He laughs once again and Sunggyu gets a glimpse of the masticated food inside of his mouth. He has a hard time eating after that.

-

Two weeks and Sunggyu is giddy, lust and emptiness blinding him up. He tries to restrain himself but he can't help his foot from pushing on the accelerator, rushing to meet Woohyun like his whole body yearn for him more than his mind. 

Woohyun is right on time too, hopping up in the car so quick Sunggyu barely has time to register. He kisses him right away like he always does. It's so familiar by now that Sunggyu knows every spots and places to reach for to please him. He could draw his body with a blindfold on, from the way his hand rests comfortably his soft hair to the way his legs twitch when he flattens his hand on his taunt stomach to go down his pants. 

"I missed you so much," Woohyun breathes out as Sunggyu starts pulling at his member. 

Sunggyu nods, "Me too," he whispers. 

"I love you so fucking much." Sunggyu saw it coming. It's classic Woohyun, after all. He likes saying this sometimes, like it actually means something, like it actually does something more than re-open Sunggyu's barely healed up wound. Woohyun talks foolishly when they're fooling around. Sunggyu is used to it by now, so as an answer he speeds up his pace and kisses him, all open mouth and ragged breath to make him shut up.

Sunggyu loves Woohyun too. He really does. Every time he sees him, it's as if he appears in a blinding light when in reality, it's really all in half-shadow. But he can't say it because sinning in thoughts is already enough of a burden for Sunggyu so he hopes his actions act as a substitute for it.

Once they're done, it's time for dinner. Sunggyu is already hungry. Their wives are waiting. They sit in silence, enjoying the last few peaceful minutes they have together, Woohyun's hand resting on Sunggyu's thigh, sometimes squeezing slightly the soft flesh. 

Sunggyu breaks the silence, without thinking beforehand but he feels like he has to speak. "You know, I can't be satisfied with just that, Woohyun," he admits, looking straight ahead to dark and calm street. He can see the trees waving slowly to the wind, but other than that, no movement. "I can't be satisfied with lying to Yoobin everyday and being with you. I wish we could have more than that. I imagine how it would be all the time. Just the two of us, free," his voice shakes, he feels the tears threatening to spill but he holds them back. He knows he's being ridiculous. They can't have anything but just that much. And it's already a lot. Maybe he's being overly emotional. His mother used to say he was too sensitive and that he should man up.

"Well then you shouldn't have Yoobin knocked up as soon as we graduated High School." It's like a blow that hit Sunggyu right in the chest, forcing all the air out of him. He's glad it's too dark so he can't see Woohyun's face properly. He answered in a composed, calm voice that shows too well how much he has been thinking about that too, how familiar they have become with this fucked up situation.

Sunggyu knows he should retort something, justify himself but Woohyun doesn't look like he's expecting him too. Instead, he says, "See you around" and leaves the car, not angry or sad, just with the same resigned face he always has on. His thigh still feels warm for a while at the place his hand stayed on. It's an incredible sadness and loneliness that fills Sunggyu once the car's door closes and he watches Woohyun walk back to his house and to Mina and his children.

Sunggyu just can't let go of his uptight life. Not even for Woohyun's dreadful beauty. It's just that sometimes the temptation is too strong, dragging him into swirls of desire and lust that he isn't brave enough to stop. He remembers The Epistle of James' words he heard at the church the other day: "Each person is tempted when they are lured and enticed by their own desire. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." and they resound strangely loudly in his head for a long time that night. 

-

Mina surprises Sunggyu as he's coming home from work, just getting out of his car, sweat pearling on his forehead that he wipes with the back of his hand. "Had a hard day?" she inquires, replacing a strand of hair behind her ear. That's a habit of her.

"No, it's okay. I'm glad I'm home early today," he replies rather politely, closing his car as Mina nears him.

"Yes, that's good. Yoobin must like it too," she suggests and Sunggyu hurries to nod. Of course she likes it.

"Well then, talk to you later. Say hi to Woohyun for me." He's about to walk out to his door when Mina calls for him again.

"Sunggyu, wait," she sounds hesitant, a bit embarrassed even, "I need to tell you something."

Sunggyu frowns, stopping in his tracks. "Yes, what is it?" He's suddenly scared, muscles tensing and eyes scanning their surroundings to be sure no one is eavesdropping. He's being excessive, but he can't help it.

"I know it's not for me to say," she starts, searching for her words, "but Yoobin seems really worried about you lately." She doesn't dare to look at him in the eyes but words flow out of her mouth without stopping. "She told me the other day, that you were acting strange, that you don't pay attention to anything, that you just seem to have something troubling you...," she trails off as Sunggyu stiffens, teeth clenching until it hurts.

He tries to let out a comfortable laugh. It comes out as a sarcastic one. "It's okay, Mina. Nothing to worry about. I'll talk to Yoobin. Thanks for letting me now," he replies to dismiss her quickly. He squeezes her shoulder to comfort her and she seems relieved. She greets him nicely as she walks back to her own house.

Sunggyu tries to repress the anger growing inside him and awaiting to possess him. He fights it as he steps in the house and he is met with the scent of dinner and of Yoobin's perfume. He doesn't say anything about it when she asks how his day went, nor when she tells him about Minjae's bad grades in History. 

No, he waits until it's only the two of them in their bedroom and Yoobin is smoking by the window like she loves to do before going to bed. He says, tone dangerous but controlled, "Mina came to see me earlier today." Yoobin hums, disinterested, smoke escaping through every holes of her face to create a foam in front of her. "She told me you talked to her, that you are worried." He accentuates every word and Yoobin must sense something is wrong because she looks at him, cocking her head. Red lipstick is still smudged all over her lips.

"She's my friend," she says like Sunggyu is being silly, "We chat a lot. I just told her that you seem distracted lately." She shrugs. 

Sunggyu stands up. "And why do I have to hear that from her? What made you thought talking about your problems to our neighbor was a good idea?" Sunggyu can't admit it's guilt and embarrassment that make him get petulant that way. 

"Don't get mad, Sunggyu. You know Mina didn't mean any wrong," her voice is calm but Sunggyu can't help to find her reaction strangely immature. He takes a look at her dress and perfectly put on make-up and he suddenly hates her.

"When will you stop being so self-absorbed for fuck's sake! You should only focus on Minjae and on taking care of the house. Not on me or whatever bullshits you're making up that you enjoy sharing with your friends," he raises his voice, almost yelling but Yoobin barely budge. 

Instead she crushes her cigarette in the ashtray, exhaling the last bits of smoke and speaks. "It won't happen again." She sounds cold suddenly. She's probably mad but holding back like she always does, always avoiding conflict. He wishes she would just get mad and yell at him sometimes. It would make things easier.

"Good," Sunggyu replies quietly before he buries himself under the covers and resolutely closes his eyes. Yoobin comes in a few minutes later, finally turning off the lights after washing up and changing to her bed clothes. She doesn't say anything but Sunggyu can hear her turning around in bed for a long time before falling asleep.

-

Business trip like this one don't happen often but they do sometimes. New Mexico's sun burns Sunggyu white skin and makes Howon exhilarated. His colleagues all love the business trips where they get to eat and drink as much as they want while concluding successful sales. Sunggyu enjoys it only because he can get away from his daily life to get a taste of the lighting of other cities all over America. 

They had two meetings today and Sunggyu feels already tired, the heat exhausting him. He promised he would call Yoobin everyday but he forgets about it as soon as Howon flings an arm around his shoulder and starts telling him about that party they have to attend. A huge client is hosting it, they can't miss it. Yes, sure, Sunggyu agrees. 

He doesn't like parties that much but he could drink a bit tonight. It had a been a while after all and he misses the freedom he gets from being away from his repetitive life.

"Isn't she fine?" Howon asks to no one in particular but maybe himself as they watch some girl dance. She's obviously drunk and wearing revealing clothes that has everyone staring at her. Sunggyu thinks he needs a refill.

He's just pouring himself another whiskey when a guy with a vibrant colored shirt with a print Sunggyu has never seen before, contrasting with his own conservative suit, startles him. "Don't like the girls dancing much, uh?"

Sunggyu jumps, lets out a gasp, almost spilling his drink and then takes a look at the guy with dark hair and piercing eyes. "What? No. I mean, I do. But not really. I do like it but I wanted another- I mean, I'm married," he stutters like it explains anything, taking aback by the question but also maybe by the way the guy is looking at him like he's trying to read his soul.

The guy lets out a quiet laugh. "Most people are. They still enjoy it though." He gestures toward Sunggyu's colleagues laughing loudly and waving their hands around with animation and having everything in mind but their wives taking care of their kids back at home. He doesn't judge them though, he knows better than anyone what desire can do to someone.

Sunggyu laughs awkwardly too, because he doesn't know what he should reply but the guy speaks for him. "Follow me," he says and Sunggyu obeys, glad to get away from the wildness of the party even if he would never admit it. He just came here for the alcohol.

He leads him to the balcony where he instantly light up two smoke and hands out one to Sunggyu. "So why are you guys here for?"

Sunggyu watches at the starless night displayed in front of them. It's fresher at night than during the day. It's enjoyable. "How do you know we're not from around here?"

The guys shrugs. "I don't know. I've never seen you around, that's why." He smiles shyly and Sunggyu thinks he sees enticement emanating from him for what lasts a split second. He feels a mix of discomfort and anticipation building up inside him.

"We're here on a business trip," he admits and the guy nods. "What about you? How did you end up here?" he tries to sound interested and cheerful but he's starting to feel the effect of the alcohol making his vision blurry and things fuzzy.

"A guy I used to sleep with invited me." 

Sunggyu swallows hard on his suddenly dry throat. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"That's- I mean-," he takes a puff of his cigarette instead, words choked up in his throat.

The guy laughs again, cutting him off. "So what do you say? Is your hotel far from here?"

"No, it's only- It's close."

The drive to the hotel is quiet and Sunggyu feels obligated to precise to the taxi driver that the guy is his friend. He probably doesn't care but Sunggyu feels more at ease after saying it.

He spends the whole time wondering what will really happen once they'll reach his room but he really doesn't need to. As soon as they pass the door, the guy is kissing him with lots of tongue and whines and Sunggyu doesn't need to think about anything but let himself go to the pleasure under his hands. The guy is soft and careful and likes slow thrusts that puts both of them on the edge. It's completely different from Woohyun's always passionate touches always fighting for control. 

Once they're done and Sunggyu feels damp and sticky all over, he tries to gather his mind and puts sense on what just happened but gives up halfway. It's better not to, he decides.

"How did you know?" Sunggyu asks though, a bit out of breath but twiddling his fingers nervously as the guy is lighting up a cigarette that creates a weird shadow on the hotel room's wall. 

"How did I know what?" he retorts and then after catching Sunggyu's eyes and understanding, "That you were gay?"

"I'm not-," Sunggyu starts but stops, considering the situation he's in and how stupid it would sound.

The guy just laughs it off though. "Yeah, right," he says. "I don't know, I just knew. I saw you looking at me. I could tell you were interested."

"But what if I wasn't? What would you have done if I wasn't and you were wrong?" Sunggyu presses because he hates how the guy can see right through him so easily and he wonders how no one could before.

He shrugs. "But I wasn't wrong, right?" He smiles and smoke comes out of his nose, mingling difficultly with the air.

"Yes." He pauses. "But what if I said you were? What if I pushed you out? What would you have done?" he questions again, eyeing at the way his black hair merge with the darkness of the room.

The guy seems to think for a bit. "I would have say sorry I guess. And then walk away. It wouldn't have mattered that much." He shrugs again.

Sunggyu remains silent, images of people demonstrating in the streets a few days ago on TV flashing back to his head. He can't understand the bluntness of the guy, could never imagine something that like that would have ever happened. He remembers still being a little kid and his Dad pressuring him to get a girl to marry and to give him kids quick and what he would think if he saw him now. 

The guy's cigarette goes out and the room plunges into dimness again.

-

News from the Vietnam War are on TV tonight. Yoobin watches it, eyes riveted to the screen, face grim but no emotion changing her still features.

"How was your trip?" she asks but doesn't sound really interested as Sunggyu plops down on the sofa next to her. He puts his arm around her shoulders and she snuggles into it. 

"Good." He wonders what he should say, remembering all too clearly what happened there. "We sealed a few good deals but I think I caught a sunburn on the last day." 

The political instability in Vietnam is preoccupying, he vaguely hears the TV guy announces, serious faced and worry in his voice. Yoobin sucks in a breath next to him and he pats her shoulder to ease her mind. What kind of world are we living in? he hears her think but instead she tells him. "I got sunburn cream upstairs, I'll go get it."

"Thanks, honey." 

He turns off the TV.

 

They have meat for dinner that night. Yoobin asks him to take care of it but Sunggyu accidentally cuts his finger with the knife and his blood mixes with the drop of milkshake Minjae forgot to clean up on the table. The color is bright pink, Sunggyu muses. He finds it quite fascinating how blood form in droplets on his finger, how it shows him with a disconcerting clarity how human he is, and how so different from the Lord. He lets the blood pearl for a while, hoping silently it'll be able to bring out what's sacred in him and the whole human race and maybe allow him to expect some mercy.

-

Usually, Yoobin is the one accompanying Minjae to his games but this time Sunggyu stops her as she's reaching for the car keys. "I'll go with him today," he tells her and her eyes widen. "You just rest, okay? You deserve it." Yoobin smiles widely, pecks him on the lips, mouthing a "thanks" that Sunggyu tries to ignore. "And besides I want to see how talented my boy is," he exclaims, ruffling Minjae's hair who sounds immediately excited.

Truth is, Woohyun's son, even though he's two years younger than Minjae, plays baseball too. And Woohyun comes to see him play every week-end. Sunggyu doesn't, mostly because he wants to avoid the uncomfortable waiting with the other parents and with Woohyun - especially with Woohyun - but it has been a while since he last saw him and he can't keep still anymore.

Minjae brags about his skills and rants about the other kids on his team in the car but Sunggyu only half-listens. He shouldn't when Minjae is being so excited, his cap already on and jumping on his seat but he can't help his thoughts from wandering to Woohyun, wondering how he will look like today - handsome, most likely -, what he will say to him - "You came!" with a bright voice and a hint complicity in his tone -, if he will squeeze his hand when they other parents will be focused on the match. 

"Minjae, don't run!" Sunggyu warns as he sees Minjae about to sprint out of the car as soon as he parked. "Wait for me." Minjae obeys, stamping his feet however.

 

"It's been a while since we saw you around," Mr. Jung greets him warmly, shaking his hand as soon as they reach the baseball field. Once his plump head leave Sunggyu's field of vision, he spots Woohyun right away. He's chatting with someone else.

"Hey," Sunggyu starts as he nears him and Woohyun's mouth drops in surprise.

"Sunggyu?," he asks incredulously. "What are you doing here?" His face breaks into a smile.

"I came to see Minjae play. You know he has been pestering me for a while," he explains and Woohyun nods. He feels a hand coming to rest on the small of his back as they walk behind the other parents to the Stand. Sunggyu can't repress a smile. 

 

"How is Yoobin doing? I heard you went on a business trip not too long ago," he asks as they're seated, watching their kids run around the field. Sunggyu alternates between cheering loudly for Minjae, clapping and smiling each time he looks their way and glancing toward Woohyun and trying to print the images into his memories because he knows each moments he sees him should be treasured.

"Yoobin is good, you know, as usual," he answers because he doesn't know what else to say. "The business trip was good too." Woohyun is wearing a blue shirt that he rolled up the sleeves of and he's fiddling with it as they speak. 

"By good you mean you had lots of fun, haven't you?" Woohyun whispers back, grinning so widely anyone would think he's joking but Sunggyu can hear the agitation in his voice. He clears his throat.

Woohyun looks beautiful today, Sunggyu notes as he doesn't get to see him often in broad daylight. He still looks as young as ever, like in High School, toned body and cheeky smile on, expect that innocence has long been replaced by an eternal look of culpability plastered on his face. People usually can't see it but Sunggyu knows and he feels droplets of sweat slide down his spine.

"What do you mean?" He plays dumb like he knows how to do so well.

Woohyun sighs. "Don't even start, Sunggyu," he warns him. "I met Howon two days ago. Him and his wife, they want to sell their house and buy a new one. So they came to ask for my help, you know since you're friends with him." Woohyun's speech is interrupted by his son scoring. He stands up and yells, "Good job!" Sunggyu claps too, trying to look natural. "He said you had a party during the trip, that it was lots of fun but that you disappeared in the middle of it. Went back to your hotel room, probably not alone, he told me that like I fucking cared." Woohyun clenched his fists while he was talking and veins appeared on his forearms. He's still talking in hushed voice though and Sunggyu tries hard not to let anything show through his face. 

He thinks for a long time about what to say and he can feel Woohyun growing impatient beside him. Finally he settles for, "it's not like we're married." It's stupid he knows, because there's no such thing as commitment between them but an unspoken promise made in Woohyun's teenage room more than ten years ago. 

Woohyun stiffens beside him. "The fuck, Sunggyu," he curses so quietly he isn't even sure he heard it right. "Is that really your answer?" He looks dangerous now, eyes menacing and smile starting to fade.

"No- I- I'm sorry, okay? It just happened. I was drunk and all. You know how it is. That guy was being bold and...," he trails off. Woohyun has dug his teeth into his lower lip and it looks like he won't stop biting it until it bleeds. "It only happened once. Believe me. You know I won't do that to Yoobin or you. It's... it's just everything has been a mess recently. I mean no, it has always been the same but I just have a hard coping with things recently." Sunggyu feels tears forming in the corner of his eyes so he stops talking. Woohyun is looking straight ahead.

"Stand up, Minjae just scored," he says and Sunggyu jumps to his feet, cheering and clapping with all the force he can muster.

-

"Let's say there's someone you love, you really love, okay? Like your mom or your wife. And there's a man pointing a gun at their head. You know he's going to kill her. There's no way he'll hesitate. He came with the intention of killing her. You can't call the cops cause they will never be there on time. But then you have a gun too. And it's loaded. You point it at the man's head and say "Put down your gun or I'll shout you!". But he laughs. He fucking laughs. And he tells you that he doesn't care whether you shout him or not. He says he will kill the person you love but doesn't care if he die right afterwards. So what do you do after he said that? Do you pull the trigger right away and become a murderer and go to jail or do you wait and kill him after he killed your loved one so you can have a proper reason to kill him and not just a threat?"

The silence that follows Sungyeol's riddle is broken by Howon's laugh. "How can that ever happen?" he asks.

"Just imagine it's happening to you. What do you do?" he insists.

"I guess I'll just shoot him right away," Howon shrugs.

"But then you're going to jail for the rest of your life," he counters.

Sunggyu watches. Howon is getting impatient. "Listen, are you in some kind of trouble you didn't tell us about?"

"No, no. It's just, you know, what will you do?" he repeats for the third time but this time looking at Sunggyu.

He tries to consider the situation with rationality. "I'll shoot the guy in the hand. So he'll drop the gun and won't kill anyone and then call the police."

Howon and Sungyeol look at each other and then together, "You're really no fun."

-

Sunggyu is anxious today. He needs to talk to Woohyun since he didn't get a chance after the end of the baseball training. He left quickly, probably to avoid him, probably to show him that he was pissed and disappointed. Sunggyu understands. But Sunggyu doesn't like the situation and wants to apologize or to at least make sure they're okay. He needs it. He can't picture his life with Woohyun anymore. He doesn't want to. They have to be okay.

He can't call his house in fear that Mina will pick up the phone and he won't know what to say. He can't just knock at their door and ask to have a word with Woohyun either. So he just waits filled with uneasiness. Woohyun has been a part - a huge one - of his life for years and he can't just let it go now. Sometimes he's like a chewing gum that sticks to his shoe and that he wishes he could get rid of but then, sometimes Woohyun is the only thing in his life that comes close to what he thinks happiness is supposed to be. 

Yoobin lays on him that night, kissing and demanding, like they're stuck in some kind of comedy show and she chose that night on purpose. But Sunggyu complies, letting her do what she wants, shutting his eyes tight, darkness taking over his mind and thinking about Woohyun's skin under his fingers when it's expected of him to release. Yoobin says she's glad she married him as she falls asleep on his shoulder a few minutes later. 

Sunggyu always wants to do good, to be good. He thinks it matters, to be a good person. He wants to be a good employee, a good husband, a good father, a good civilian. The day he'll die, he wants to be able to say he always chose good over evil, he always followed the path of morality. But Sunggyu is a liar and it's difficult to face his own demons, so he pretends he doesn't see the evil that's in him instead.

-

His next encounter with Woohyun finally takes place a few days later, in the evening when the sun is already down but it's not dark yet. He waits until he sees his car pulling in his driveway. It's dangerous, he knows because Mina probably heard the car parking and she's expecting him to come in soon but Sunggyu can't wait any longer. 

He walks quickly and comes sit next to him in the car. "Hey," he says and Woohyun jumps, surprised. 

"What are you doing here?" he asks, teeth clenched and gaze diverting to his house's door to see if Mina isn't coming out. "Get out," he orders next.

"Wait, Woohyun. We need to talk," Sunggyu holds him back, desperation peeking in his tone. "I'm really sorry, okay? You know how things are, it's complicated. I can't-"

Woohyun cuts him off. "You're putting us both in danger by doing this kind of shit, Sunggyu. Get a grip of yourself for fuck's sake!" Woohyun slams his hands against the steering wheel. He has never seen him so pissed off before, never seen him losing his calm like this before. 

"I know. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I promise," he hopes his sincerity can show through his words. He can't lose Woohyun. He just can't. 

Woohyun puts him palms against his eyes and sighs loudly. He looks tired and disappointed. He suddenly looks really tiny in his suit and uncomfortable by the way his tie strangles his neck awkwardly. "Sunggyu," he starts but he cuts him off.

"Let's meet at the motel. Next week. On Thursday, okay?" Woohyun is usually the one arranging this meetings so he looks a bit bewildered when Sunggyu offers. "We'll talk then," he promises. Woohyun is about to protest again but he won't listen, so he kisses him to shut him up. Woohyun melts into the kiss like he usually does. It's dangerous, they know. Mina could open the door any seconds now but it's somewhat exhilarating and Sunggyu owes Woohyun at least that much. 

-

I don't care what they say, I won't stay in a world without love, sings the radio as Sunggyu drives down the quiet road outside of the city, red sun setting, laying its last lights on the dried land and the already red rocks. 

The motel is tiny and almost empty, except for Woohyun's car that Sunggyu recognizes right away. He parks as far as he can from it in fear someone could link them by spotting their cars. It's stupid, really, they already did that a thousand times. They never got caught. They never will. Even so, Sunggyu still has anticipation and excitement building up inside him and spreading tingles down his legs as he climbs the stairs to the room's door. 

He knocks only once but it opens immediately, Woohyun's smiling face welcoming him and a second later, as soon as the door closed and darkness fell over the room, Woohyun's mouth and hands all over him. He was obviously waiting for him, impatient, eager and willing, sparked by need. That thought is enough to make Sunggyu hard and to make him push Woohyun with force against the wall so he can press against him closer. 

It's different when they meet at motels. Different from the rushed handjobs and stolen kisses they usually get in dark corners and cars. There, they can take their time, unravel in each other body. They can chat all night long. Sunggyu can ask about Woohyun's feelings, about the things he can't say when Mina or his kids might hear from next door. They can share breakfast and pretend to be other people, to be free.

Woohyun already dropped on his knees and he's opening Sunggyu's pants like he already forgot he was supposed to be mad at him. But again, they don't have time to be mad at each other. Sunggyu watches, fascinated, mesmerized, feeling himself throbbing all over. He has seen this scene a hundred times but each time feels like the first one, Woohyun's sinful lips and eyes he can't stop staring at, his warm and soft tongue on his cock and Sunggyu who can't help but buck his lips forward, breathing becoming jerky. Sunggyu digs his nails into his palms to punish himself for being so disgusting and so easy to please but he can't stop it. He can't stop from feeling good, from wanting to be with Woohyun no matter how much it hurts, no matter how wrong it is.

Woohyun likes to have Sunggyu on his belly but today he's on his back and he has to look at his lips parting to let out small moans, at his hair sticking up on his forehead, at how his abs flex when he thrusts and at his hand holding his thigh firmly. Woohyun seems to do this so Sunggyu can't ignore it's Woohyun he's with, it's Woohyun who is making him feel good and no one else and he has no choice but to accept the evil pleasure and forbidden lust spreading through his whole body.

It has been only a few minutes but Sunggyu already has to hold back his orgasm. It's maybe because Woohyun knows him so well and knows what buttons to push to make him feel good, or maybe it's because he has something to prove tonight, but deep inside Sunggyu's aware it's because there's no one like Woohyun, no one who can make him feel this way but him.

"Say it," Woohyun demands, thrusts suddenly slowing down and forcing Sunggyu to look at him.

"What?" he half-mumbles, half-whines, mind hazy and the tingles of his release already tickling his toes.

"Say it," he presses again. "That you love me. Say it," he repeats, urging him this time. 

Sunggyu trembles, watching the way Woohyun is pushing into him but looking straight at him at the same time. "The fuck, Woohyun." A thick silence only interrupted by their ragged breaths. "I love you," he whispers.

Woohyun's lips quirks up and he picks up the pace immediately, leaning forward to kiss him on the lips and Sunggyu hears the deafening sound of his heart thumping in his chest because two men can't love each other but Sunggyu loves him so much he can even look at him. Woohyun is like a black hole Sunggyu has fallen into and can't exit anymore.

\- 

"Where were you?" Yoobin asks, she sounds angry, on the edge. That happens sometimes. Sunggyu guesses it's the housewife life that makes women like that. They all have time when they feel like breaking down, when they need to take their anger and frustration out. 

"I had work to do outside of the city, I had to stay the night," Sunggyu explains, sitting at the dinner table as Yoobin is chopping vegetables next to him.

"And you couldn't call?" She slams the knife a bit too hard against the cucumber and a small piece flies into the room. "You can't let me do everything, Sunggyu. I have to take care of the kids, of the house. I can't afford to worry about you." 

Sunggyu sighs. He's getting annoyed. "You shouldn't worry. I don't really care if you do, actually. Just do your job. I don't have to call you all the time."

"You don't care, Sunggyu, that's the problem! You never care! I can't take responsibility for everything!" Yoobin yells back, following him as he stands up to leave the kitchen, voice tinted with some kind of childish defiance.

"Responsibility? I pay for everything. I work all day long, you should at least be able to do something!" He's angry, ready to punch the wall if she doesn't stop talking. He can't take her immature scolding right now.

"You know what? I should have listened to my mom when she said not to marry you," she spats, looking at him with contemn. Sunggyu thinks of a hundred things to retort but instead, he decides to go to the bathroom and closes the door. "Don't flee, Sunggyu! That's all you always do!" he hears Yoobin shout from outside but ignores it. Instead, he closes his eyes and tries to focus on the memories of Woohyun's sweet voice and gentle touches.

-

When Sunggyu thought he couldn't take this situation anymore a while ago, now it's torture. He wishes guilt could go away with time but it doesn't, instead it settled inside him and has been eating him off since then. Sunggyu wants to go heaven but at time like this, it seems that it only exists in his imagination, that no one has ever been blessed but the ones who believed it. He feels as if he denied faith a long time ago and confessing wouldn't even cleanse him anymore.

"I'm going to tell Yoobin. I need to repent myself," he tells Woohyun that night. It's dark again and there are in Sunggyu's car again, like an old pattern that won't die.

"What?" Is Woohyun incredulous answer. 

"I've been trying really hard to ignore the guilt, but I just can't. Because I know what's good and what's not. And you know it too, right?" he tries to sound composed but his voice is unsure, like he's trying to convince himself it's the right thing to do.

"You're completely insane, Sunggyu," Woohyun sounds horrified. "You know what will happen if you tell Yoobin, don't you? What will you do about Minjae? And about me? Will you take responsibility for my family too?"

"Telling Yoobin is taking responsibility for my actions." Sunggyu states but as an answer Woohyun grabs his collar, wrinkling the cloth Yoobin spent long minutes ironing this morning.

"What's wrong with you lately?" he sounds threatening. "Don't do something stupid, Sunggyu. Fucking don't," he warns. "She'll take you to a doctor - or an hospital - and we will never see each other again. Don't do something you will regret later." His hold on his collar tightens and Sunggyu swallows hard.

"I can't live like this anymore, Woohyun. I can't." Sunggyu begs and Woohyun softens a bit.

"It's too late, Sunggyu. Way too late now." He takes a deep breath. "Maybe in ten, twenty years things will change. Have you seen people protesting on the streets? I wish I could join them, you know," he muses. "But for now, don't do anything, okay?" His hand lets his collar go to rest on his cheek. "Okay?" he repeats.

-

Minjae is at a friend's house tonight. Yoobin is at Mina's but she should be home soon. Sunggyu is drinking. A lot. He's watching TV but doesn't really know what's happening, something about a private investigator and murders. Sunggyu already saw that movie. They die trapped in a burning house in the end.

"I'm home," Yoobin chants as she steps in and then stops when she notices Sunggyu on the sofa, whiskey in hand. 

"Come sit, I need to talk to you," he slurs and then clears up his throat in hope of clearing his mind.

Yoobin obeys. She's wearing blue pants and a striped sweater. She looks just as clean and elegant and tidy as ever. "You remember when I asked you out in senior year?" he asks as soon as she sat and Yoobin nods. Of course she remembers. "At that time I didn't do it because I liked you. I did it because you were already into me and it was easy," he confesses, trying not to flinch and not to sound too cruel. But how can he not be?

"Why are you telling me that?" she's frowning and she's twiddling her fingers.

"I didn't had work outside the city the other day, you were right" he lets out, taking another sip of whiskey. "Actually, I was with Woohyun." He expects Yoobin to have some sort of reaction but she remains silent. "At a motel." A pause. "Just the two of us." Another pause. "Alone."

Yoobin finally lets out an incredulous laugh, the corner of her mouth rising in what is supposed to be a smile but looks more like a face. Sunggyu tenses. "Oh please, tell me something I didn't know. I've always known, Sunggyu. I've known before you knew it yourself. Back in High School already, way before you even asked me out," she says it so casually Sunggyu isn't sure he heard her well. 

He feels sweat forming on his forehead and fear taking over his guts. "What? What did you say?" he stammers, voice cracking at the end. 

Yoobin sighs. "You heard me," she doesn't sound mad but she still crosses her arms over her chest. "I've always known but it never bothered me," she continues. The kitchen seems suddenly really unfamiliar, almost scary and the atmosphere far from the one of the happy and noisy dinner they usually share there. "It never bothered me because I love you and you always treated me well despite... all this." She sighs. "You treat me so well sometimes I can even forget about him." The words are harsh, each single one digging wounds into Sunggyu's skin but he bears the pain without a sound. "I'm not mad. Not anymore. I've accepted it now," she sounds resolute, as if she self-convinced herself of it for years. "I wish you could raise Minjae well. And keep being a good husband." It's almost a favor she's asking. "I know Woohyun has already win without even trying but let's just continue as we have always done, okay? I'd like that. I don't know what you're trying to do right now but if it's a divorce you want, I won't give it to you." She stops finally, her eyes fixed somewhere around Sunggyu's neck and waiting for him to answer as if she waits for her sentence to fall. 

The silence fills the room for long seconds, only broke by the vibrations of the washing machine. It's suddenly really loud. When Yoobin spoke he could only hear her voice and now he doesn't seem to be able to outdo its noise with his own. Sunggyu feels like he's falling off the edge of the world.

"It's impossible," he ends up mumbling, more to himself than to Yoobin. "You can't say that." 

Yoobin snatches the glass from his hand and drinks a large sip. She coughs when it goes down her throat. "You should wash up, Sunggyu. I'll make dinner," she tells him with her usual tone, like nothing happened when Sunggyu was hoping for some life-changing moment, something that would free him, a punishment he deserved so he could be clear of his sins.

"Wait," he stops her as she's about to stand up. "Why did you accept it if you knew? What about Minjae? And Mina, does she know?" Questions are flowing out of Sunggyu's mouth before he can control it, incomprehension and confusion taking over him.

"Of course Mina doesn't know. You can't tell her. You know how sensitive she is," she advices and Sunggyu can't believe how calm and rational she is. "I accepted it because it was comfortable, Sunggyu. I knew you'd be a good husband, that you'd work hard to give us the best, that you'd be a wise father. And also because once I was pregnant it was too late to back away, wasn't it? But that's what you wanted, am I right? Not being able to back away and ruin your life." Sunggyu feels tears he didn't know he was holding run down his face. "I accepted it but as of now, don't you dare mention it, okay?" It's a favor she's asking but there's a hint of menace in her voice and Sunggyu can't help but nod. "Good," she says. "Good." She leans a bit closer and wipes Sunggyu's tears with the back of her hand. "Go wash up now."

-

"Shit." Woohyun exclaims once Sunggyu told him everything. "I knew Yoobin was something but that's...," he trails off and then lets out an hysterical laugh that gives Sunggyu goosebumps. 

"What am I supposed to do now?" he asks to no one in particular because Woohyun obviously has no idea either. "I don't know if I'm feeling better now that she approved or worse because I don't think I'll ever be able to look at her in the eyes and pretend now." Sunggyu drops his head in his hands and Woohyun's hand comes to massage his neck.

"It's going to be all right," he assures him but his intonation raises at the end like he's actually asking.

-

USA, 1979.

"Is that Minjae?" Yoobin surprised and doubtful voice disturbs Sunggyu's reading and forces him to take a look at what Yoobin is fixing with a shocked expression.

"No, it's not," he replies immediately because sure, the boy looks like him but after squinting his eyes, he's pretty sure it's not him.

"I think it's him," Mina contradicts in disbelief.

"No way. What would he be doing there? He's in college right now." Sunggyu shakes his head like they're being silly.

"No, wait-" Yoobin can't finish her sentence before they all gasp in surprise. The TV made a close up on Minjae look-a-like and there's no way it's a doppelgänger anymore. He's wearing the jumper Yoobin got him for Christmas and the watch Sunggyu bought him.

"Holy fuck," Woohyun swears, summing up the whole situation pretty well.

-

"Explain to me what the hell you were doing in a gay rights march in Washington instead of being in college?" Sunggyu is trying really hard to contain his anger over the phone but has a hard time doing so. "Everyone saw you on TV! You face! The front raw! In the middle of those protesters!"

"Don't worry, I'm going back to college tomorrow," Minjae assures him immediately. And then after a silence filled with the crackling of the line. "But I had to go, Dad. I had to do this for you."

Sunggyu has to hold the kitchen counter not to fall over. "What did you say?"

"Since you can't go, I went for you," Minjae adds, a mix of shyness, joy and pride showing through his voice. Sunggyu hangs up before Minjae can hear him choke on his tears.


End file.
